Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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