So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
