I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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