I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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