obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We are two peas in an std pod
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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