Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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