I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
