Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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