is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
