Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
