She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
