Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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