I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
