She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
