I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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