Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
