i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
