Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
