You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
