here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
