So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
