my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
