anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
