you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
