there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
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He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.