K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.