my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
