Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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