Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
