I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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