and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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