I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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