i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
