I think im going to throw up on grandma
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
