So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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