I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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