i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
