apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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