i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
