I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
