And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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