On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
