Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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