dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
