you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
