Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor