Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
