so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
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