Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
