i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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