i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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