I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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