Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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