he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
