I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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