You just made me feel so damn special
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
