so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pants are for mortals
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize