So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
