Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
