What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
