She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
