You can't motorboat a personality
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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