i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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